Letters To Someone

Dearest X,

White pages stare at me. I know that I must tell you what I hold in me. Let me explain my feelings--this thing I hold is a secret to me. There are two kinds of secrets; those that one does not want to tell, and those that one does not dare to tell. I do not dare let this secret escape, or else I will never see it come home again. And yet, I want to let it go. It weighs me down. I feel waves crashing around me, and the longer I sit here, holding this enormous truth, the higher the waves lash. They are so close to my head, so close to drowning me altogether. Let me impart this secret to you--oh! But never give it away!

This unspoken thing is a part of me. It wraps around my heart, my lungs, my brain. It protects them, yes, but it also puts so much pressure on them that they are numb and cold. I no longer think about this secret. I no longer feel its importance--except when I am around you. Then, the secret shrinks, tightening in my chest until I can't breathe and my heart must race to my recovery.

If only you could know what I wish to tell you without me saying a word. If only you would look in my eyes and pull the secret from their depths. I want to be rid of it--but I want it to stay close. I can think of no better captain on my sinking ship than you. You would pull me upright, and perhaps we could sail on as if nothing had ever happened. Oh, if only. How can my heart be in my throat and on my sleeve at one time? You must help me. I need you to save me from drowning in this!

Love,

M

Letters To No One

Dearest X,

It is with trembling hands and heart that I write this. I know what I must say, and yet I cannot. The words are pushing through the barrier of my teeth, biting my lips. They want out more strongly than any words I have said before. And yet, I know that if I let these words out, I also let out my tears, and I open the floodgates that lead to my heart. I am most vulnerable at this point; with my heart on my sleeve and my head in my hands.

But still the blank pages beckon to me, calling me on. I know that by now you are long gone, too far for me to reach. Still I will write to you. I do not expect a response. I never have, not from you who have been gone so long. I only with that I could hear your voice one last time. Let me know that you listen, and these words will flow out of my mouth with the eloquence of angels.

Perhaps I will have mustered the strength I know is necessary--which I do not currently posses--by the time I next sit at my writing desk and pick up my pen. Until then, I cannot bring myself to the point of vulnerability which I know must come eventually. I shall write again.

Love,

M

Charmed

Your simple country charm

Chills me to the bone

My spine is alive

And my smile is permanent

My fingers tingle

With anticipation of your touch

Melt my heart

Don't leave me in the dust

Wherever you go

I want to follow

Sit me on your horse

And I'll hold on tight

Goodbye, fear and regret

Hello, brand new life!

Miracles--Intro--Flashback

"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

I closed the book slowly, not wanting it to end, not wanting to put the Christmas boxes away. I love Christmas...but I haven't always. In fact, it wasn't too long ago that I hated Christmas with a passion so complete, so destructive it hurt those that I loved most...

Flashback: 1998

"DAN!" She screamed up the staircase so loudly that her children scattered. They knew what was coming next. The oldest slipped out the front door, car keys in one hold. The others ran to their room and covered themselves, pulling blankets and pillows over their ears. Hearing their parents fight would always be only one thing: scarring.

"Mae? What's wrong now?" Dan loped down the stairs, taking them two or three at a time.

"Daniel Ryan Cliff! I can't believe you. You signed us up again. Without asking me. What is wrong with you? Mae screamed.

"Mae, calm down. We do this every year. Come on, hon, don't start this again." Dan tried to keep calm, but already his face was turning red and he clenched his fist.

"How can you expect me to be calm? These people that you make us see every year drive me nuts. Every year. EVERY year. They come up to me and fuss and talk about how much they miss me, and whine and complain about every little thing. Dan, you know I hate this time of year. I'm the one that balances the checkbook, not you, and I have to deal with this crap." Dan tried to grab her arm. "Get away from me! I will not go with you this year to this insane little Sunday school charade you act out."

Mae threw the paper she had been holding to the ground and stomped off, slamming doors behind her.

Dan looked after her for a minute, running his hand over his face. He sighed and bent down to retrieve the paper. After flattening it out as best he could, he laid it on the table next to the front door and walked back upstairs.

The youngest child, Ana, only eight, picked up the page and gazed at it.

"Christmas Party, First Grace Church, Friday nat--night. RSVP." She ran to her older brother, Mark. "Mark, why doesn't Mommy want to go to a Christmas party? I love Christmas! And what does RSVP mean?"

Oh Christmas!

Christmas is near. It's just around the corner. It's hiding behind stockings and dancing with sugar plums. It's tantalizing you with a pile of presents under a sweet-smelling tree.

It's luring you in. Can you feel it? That pull. It's a yearning that you can't deny. Holidays!

"All this holiday cheer/ Heaven knows where it goes/ But it returns every year." -Peppermint Winter, Owl City

So where does the holiday cheer go every year?

Do we pack it away with the boxes full of ornaments, lights, and garlands? Is it thrown out with the brown, sickly tree? Is it shoveled aside with the snow?

Or do we willingly leave it and move to our next task?

Why can't we keep holiday cheer? Why can't it be a year-long cheer? Something that we have with us all year long, something that we never completely lose?

Why can't we all just be happy the rest of the year?

So this, here's a Christmas present to others and a New Year's resolution to everyone else.

Don't lose your cheer this year. Keep it with you. You'll be happier...and so will everyone around you.

Fallen: Revised

The Lord said Breathe, and we did,

One sweet, strong breath.

The Lord said Look, and we did,

The beauty of the world before us.

The Lord said Hear, and we did,

Sounds of praise and worship.

The Lord said Feel, and we did,

Wonders at our fingertips.

The Lord said Smell, and we did,

A sweet and pleasing aroma.

The Lord said Live, and we did,

A good life praising Him.

The Lord said Love, and we did,

Wholeheartedly loving Him.

The Lord said all things, and we listened,

We did what He said.

The Lord said Taste, and we did,

One taste too many.

The one most important thing

And we failed the Lord.

The Lord said Do Not Eat,

And we ate of the one tree.

We were weak; we were mortal;

We were flesh, He is Perfection.

We were nothing but words,

He is The Word.

He gave to us all things

And we took them for granted.

If only we had listened!

If only we had known!

If only we had obeyed

The perfect word of God!

If only we had listened!

If only we had known!

Stars

Stars

Lights

Hopes

Dreams

Fears

Failures

Living life

The way it ought

To be lived

This is what we are

Flesh and bone

Dust and water

Sin and sorrow

Fallen angels

Empty earth

Failures

Fears

Dreams

Hopes

Lights

Stars